Waiting for the Pizza GuySubmitted by Cindy Wicks on Mon, 08/20/2012 - 2:19am
Waiting for the Pizza Guy
An Absurdist One Act Play by Cynthia Wicks
Scene- an absurd living room, outside the front door and a lanai. There is a great deal of unspoken action during this play. I will leave it up to the director for discretion.
Members of the band, Chaos
Stripper 2 (Penny)
The scene opens in the living room. Boris sits on an absurd couch. The doorbell rings.
It is Livingston.
Boris crosses to answer door.
Livingston- Lets get this party started!
Boris- alright! (excited) Lets call the pizza place, I know a guy who works there.
Calls and orders.
Boris- Hi, we’d like to order a pizza to be delivered. (listens) alright. It’ll be an hour wait.
Livingston- Well, we’ll just have to start without him! (opens a beer, chugs)
Boris- Alright! Pass me one (goes to refrigerator, comes back with beer, pops top)
This one is for you, Natasha (drinks)
Livingston- Oh yeah, what ever happened to her?
Boris- wouldn’t you know it, she got sober, left me.
Livingston- Right. Who needs her. Anything on the tube?
Boris- It’s broken, have to call the repair guy.
Livingston- That sucks. (pops another beer) so tell me about Natasha, you really liked her.
Boris- yeah, she was kinda cool, pretty, smart. I guess she was too smart for me.
Hey, I could really use some girls dancing on the table about now, maybe a lap
Livingston- Don’t I know it. (opens the phone book) Do they have listings for that? Maybe we could get some to come to the party.
Boris- Doubt it, sounds a little absurd, girls dancing on the table. Gotta go to a bar for that.
Livingston- maybe we should cancel the pizza and go out.
Boris- I don’t really feel like going out. It’ll be less than an hour now. Hey, I heard on the news that the world is in squalor. Good thing were here drinking beer and miss it.
Livingston- Yeah, I heard that too, a bunch of shootings, war, hijackings.
Boris- Natasha would’ve known all about it, we used to read the paper together.
Livingston- her again? Hey, I know you miss her, that’s why were here, a couple of guys, a party, like old times.
Boris- like old times. These are the times that try men’s souls. I heard that once.
Livingston- I think I’ve heard that before. You must read a lot.
Boris- I do, and write, someday I’ll write a book, just wait.
Livingston-. Sure, right, hey, are you sure you called the pizza guy? Check your phone. Maybe you have his cell.
Boris- right (calls) hey, hi, I don’t know if you remember me, this is Boris, we met at that party. Right, right, hey, we ordered a pizza for that place you work at, any idea when it’s be here? Right. Oh, ok, that’s alright, thanks.
He doesn’t work there anymore, got fired.
Livingston- this is turning out to be a helluva party. (pops a beer) Got anything else to eat around here? (opens refrigerator)
Boris- help yourself (sneers)
Livingston- all I see is beer.
Boris- yeah, I forgot to go to the store, Natasha usually goes. (pops beer) I’ll put on some music. ( puts on loud rock-n-roll) (changes station) that’s better. Hey what did you do at work today.?
Livingston- I went out on a job, plaster. Paint tomorrow. What did you do today?
Boris- I went surfing! It rocked. Lots of girls in bikinis, good times. Even a green flash at sunset.
Livingston- sorry I missed it. (pops a beer) hey, I can’t stay real late, have to get up for work tomorrow.
Boris- that sucks, I’m sure the pizza will be here soon.
Livingston- did you call him?
Livingston- that pizza guy.
Boris- he doesn’t work there anymore.
Livingston- right. But you ordered it?
Livingston- the pizza ( angry)
Boris- of course I did, you hear me. I even called the guy who used to work there.
Livingston- what’d he say?
Boris- he doesn’t work there anymore.
Livingston- oh, right. Can you change the radio station, put on a CD or something.
Boris- alright. ( puts on pop music) I’d put on a symphony but I’m afraid you’d moan.
Livingston- ha, right, symphony, Natasha like that right?
Boris- yeah, enough,
Livingston- so if you ever did write a book, what would it be a about.
Boris- war probably, recollections, something to leave behind. I don’t want to be forgotten.
Livingston- no one does, guy.
Boris- but I want to clinch the memory, leave something behind. I had a son once, haven’t seen him since he was a kid, maybe I’d name it after him.
Livingston- sounds like a good idea. Did you ever look for him?
Boris- no. I figured he didn’t want to see me.
Livingston- you never know, he might be out there looking.
Boris- doubt it. God, I’m hungry, wish the pizza guy would get here.
Livingston- sucks that you don’t have anything to eat.
Boris- like I said, I forgot to go to the store.
Livingston- right. Mind if I go out to get something?
Boris- don’t mind me, I’m just going to wait for the pizza.
Livingston- I’ll be right back.
Boris- right. (pops a beer) (gets out a notepad and writes, a voice overshadows_
Dear, Natasha, god, I miss you, my lady. Suffering is so inspired by this day, I reach for you and all I can find is a beer can, I drink it and imagine I am kissing you, it rests in my hand as if I were holding yours my darling, I unfold my fingers and try to set it down, to let it go, but I just keep reaching, the bombs go off in my head, helicopters, explosions, I am wounded and am suffering. Drink of my memory in your sobriety, try not to remember how bad I was, try to hang onto the good life. Wait for me.
A ghost image is projected. A woman,
Natasha- I am only a ghost, let me go, I am not a beer can.
Boris- your face is on the label, your name is written on it. I drink to quench this pain, and end my suffering.
Natasha- get out while you still can. Cling to a new life, have some hope, I pray for you dear.
Boris- (shakes head) I can’t take this. (drinks)
Natasha- remember Ben Jonson? Drink of me only with thine eyes, and I’ll have no need for wine.
Boris- cheap shot, Natasha. (drinks)
We were quite the Bonnie and Clyde, remember? All those scams we ran together? Going out gambling? I remember taking you to see the strippers. I had given you a dozen roses and you gave one to her, sweet.
Natasha- Yeah, I remember getting thrown out of that bar, throwing pennies at the dancers. Good times.
Boris- don’t be like that Natasha, we have some really sweet memories, remember the beach, making love on the sand.
Natasha- of course I remember Boris, I’ll never forget.
Doorbell rings, it’s Livingston
Boris- oh, hi, I thought you were the pizza guy.
Livingston- sorry, all the stores were closed. Some holiday.
Boris- Oh yeah. I’ll try to call him again, see when they’ll get here.
Boris- (angry) The pizza guy!
Livingston- I thought the pizza would be here already.
Boris- no. (calls) hey, when will our pizza get here? Yeah, I heard it was a holiday. OK.
Could be awhile.
Livingston- I hate waiting.
Boris- me too. Must a be a common thing.
Livingston.- hope we don’t run out of beer.
Boris- no chance for that. I stocked up.
Livingston- Of course.
They continue to drink and get drunk. The members of the band, Chaos enter, set up. The drummer is Boris’ son. He never knows.
After setting up, they play their music. Women dancers come in and climb on the kitchen table. Dance, begin to strip.
Boris- I’m going to call the pizza place again. (calls)
Livingston- I’m really hungry. (sees dancers, walks over to them, begins to take pictures. Brings one down from the table, the band plays, they drink. Boris goes over to the band, Natasha enters, they dance slow.
The doorbell rings.
Boris- hey, will you get that?
Livingston- Not now, I’m busy.
One of the band members crosses to answer the door. He answers it, is a flower delivery guy. Delivers flowers. Sets them on the table. Natasha goes and gets a flower and gives it to one of the strippers. She exits.
Livingston takes one of the strippers to the lanai, they talk.
Livingston- do you like your flower?
Stripper- yes, that was sweet. Who was that?
Livingston- Some chick named Natasha. I don’t know what happened to her.
Stripper- sweet. Hey, do you have anything to eat?
Livingston- we ordered pizza, were still waiting.
Stripper smells flower. Begins to give him a lap dance.
Boris- hey, you need any help out there (drinks)?
Livingston- No, I got this.
Boris- (makes phone call, leaves message) Hey, Natasha, I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you, miss ya girl. You know.. well. I don’t want to say this in a message. Call me, please?
Boris drinks, brings a beer to one of the strippers, they dance, the band plays. The doorbell rings. One of the Chaos members answers.
Chaos member- Hey, anyone here named Natasha?
Boris- no man. Who is it?
Chaos member- some girl. She said she had a message for her.
Boris goes to door, looks out. Nobody is there.
Boris- Must have left. I wonder what she wanted?
Stripper- we should have sent her out for pizza. Did you order any?
Boris- yes. I’ll call again. (calls, it is obvious that the pizza place is annoyed, he yells)
Boris- we’ve been waiting for eternity, how long will it be? (listens) alright. Patience, ha, I’ve never been good at that. One of the Chaos members goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a pizza box, the band eats.
Livingston- hey, this is nice.
Livingston- Nothing, man.
Stripper with Livingston- I like the flower.
Livingston- yeah, sweet. What did you say your name was?
Stripper- Penny. Kinda funny, I’ve been thrown pennies on stage before, I tried to think of them as pennies from heaven.
Livingston- did you save them?
Stripper- yes, I collect them. Give them away to Charities. Try to do something good once in awhile.
The band eats pizza, then plays music, Boris and a stripper dance, they drink beer at the same time. The band members one at a time go to the refrigerator and get a beer.
Livingston- how long have you been doing this gig?
Stripper- a couple of years, pays my way through college. I want to make something of my life.
Livingston- sounds good,
Stripper- what do you do?
Livingston- Plaster, painting houses, pays good. Wish I could surf ever day like old Boris.
Stripper- I don’t like the beach, except at sunset, the green flash, popping a beer with my friends
Livingston- you have a lot of friends?
Stripper- yeah, most of them work normal jobs ( stops lap dancing) hey, do you want me to do anything else?
Livingston- No. not here, but give me your number, I’ll give you a call.
Stripper- alright. (takes flower) What happened to the Chick who was here?
Stripper- the one who gave me a flower?
Livingston- That was Natasha, it adds to the absurdity of the situation. You’re lucky she didn’t throw pennies at you, I heard she does that.
Stripper- I would’ve just brought them home.
Livingston- (he pays her)
Stripper- hey thanks, I’ll cash it into pennies and give them out, maybe.. no, I’ll put it in the bank, save for college.
Livingston- sounds good, good luck.
Stripper- thanks, I need it. (she leaves, as she passes the band she grabs a piece of pizza)
Boris- Hey, where did you get that pizza?
Stripper- It’s not really pizza, I’m just drinking beer, but I’m inclined to mess with your head. Ha.
The strippers leave. The band plays. They all drink beer. Livingston comes in.
Livingston- hey, that was good, remind me to come around here more often.
Boris, yeah, it was good. Wish Natasha was here. Kinda miss her still.
Livingston- hey man, I gotta go, I have to be at work tomorrow.
Boris- OK. See ya.
Livingston leaves, the band packs up and leaves out lanai.
Boris- sighs. Too bad the pizza never came, I’m still hungry (drinks beer, voice slurring)
Boris- here’s to you Natasha, love ya girl. I’m gonna write that book, you’ll see. It’ll be brilliant. I’m gonna name it after my son.